Today I Am Struggling…Struggling With Depression
At 2:30 this morning I woke up angry. In fact, I was well beyond angry: I was livid. I was furious. I was “seeing red.”
I was angry because I was up — because trucks and construction behind my house woke me up. I was angry because my daughter was up. I was angry because, well, that’s been my M.O. as of late.
The rage has been blinding.
After nearly 90 minutes of tossing and turning, of “requests for water” and trips to the bathroom, I finally broke. I walked out of my bedroom, slammed my bare hand into the wall, and walked back as if nothing had happened.
I pretended I was OK, and everything was OK.
But it wasn’t. I’m not. And I haven’t been for quite some time.
The truth is things have been difficult lately. My depression has come to a head, and I have found myself breaking more. I have found myself shutting down more. I have found myself withdrawing more.
Sure, I write about depression all of the time, but when I am in the grips of it, something changes. I change, and all the words I write — all the “wisdom” I share — means nothing. I am not as brave as my online persona claims to be. I am not as strong as I appear, and I rarely take my own advice.
And, as such, I feel like duplicitous and fake. I feel like a fraud. Because no matter what I would tell you to do, or have told you to do, today I don’t believe it. Today I don’t believe I matter. Today I don’t feel like I am enough. (And I’ve felt this way for quite some time.)
But that’s because depression is dark and insidious. Depression is isolating and paralyzing. Depression is a fickle f**king bitch.
So why share this with you at all? Sympathy? Empathy? Pity?
No. I don’t want any of that. (I never have, and I never will.) Instead, I share this in the name of transparency and honesty. In the name of vulnerability. And in the name of this disease. Because THIS is what depression looks like. THIS is what depression feels like, THIS is who I become when I am sick and broken — and when I let my depression swallow me.
So I am fighting back. I am kicking and screaming. I am refusing to sink down and, instead, I am blindly swimming against the current — with weights tied to my ankles and a fiery pain in my chest.
You see, I am only “fraudulent” if I keep silent. If I go on lying. If I pretend I am OK.
I am only as sick as my secrets.
So today I admit it: I am struggling. Really struggling. I don’t know up from down, left from right. I don’t know how to feel better…or if I can. All I do know is how to fight. How to reach out. How to ask for help.
And today, I suppose, that will have to be enough.
Those things are enough! Good grief how I know what you feel is raw and true and honest and authentic. I have been there and I am just beginning to see the light again, in moments, for the first time in months. I remember a few months ago people reminding me that it will get better. And although I had been through it before and came out of it before, I did not believe them. I didn’t believe anything except that I was horrible, unworthy, trapped and wanted out of life. But I’m going to say it anyway…you will come through this. You will and can get to the other side. I don’t know what that path will look like or how long it will take exactly but I know this is truth today. Use your resources, keep fighting. And know I am on your side.
Thank you so much MommyMuddling. Your support, and kind words, mean the world to me. Honestly.
Oh my gosh, thank you thank you. I’ve been struggling lately too and feeling like a hypocrite because I write about it. I can never take my own advice. I will be sharing this with my readers soon. Keep fighting, you can do this! (…as I struggle to take my own advice on that too…)
Isn’t it hard? Know you can do this too, Salad At Midnight. We will both “do this.”
Choosing to not be silent and choosing to fight are the hardest parts. It’s hard, but you’re doing it.
You are enough. You’re always enough. Don’t put pressure on yourself to be anything but yourself, not for us, not for your family, not for your friends, and especially not for you! I have chronic debilitating physical health issues and I say these things to myself as much as I say them to you. So, why don’t we both work on this today? One day at a time, one hour, and sometimes one moment at a time is all we can do. And that is enough.
So true, Katy. So true.
Thank you for your kind words and the important reminders.
I am feeling the exact same way right now. I have suffered with depression….well….for many years. It will come in waves for me, even while on medication. I’m currently sitting here with my 3 beautiful children and all I want to do is curl into a ball and cry and sleep. I can’t do that…So, I go through the motions. I feel like a failure. I’m angry that I feel this way. I’m grateful for everything I have, but I’m depressed. Why the hell do I feel this way? It makes me so unbelievably angry. I just wanted to reach out and say you’re not alone and I hope that you’re feeling better soon. I truly appreciate your honesty. I don’t have anyone that truly understands what it feels like. So, thank you.