Things I Never Thought I Would Say, as a Parent

Let’s be honest: We all said to ourselves that we weren’t going to be “those” parents, the one’s with a whiny child at checkout, screaming over a Snickers bar, or the type of parent who yields a child leash. We all said we wouldn’t be our own parents, the ones who irrevocably damaged our psyche from thirteen until our thirties, and we all said we wouldn’t say those things — the trite and clichéd expressions parents have been saying since the dawn of, well, parenting.

And then we became parents ourselves and, more terrifyingly, we became parents of toddlers. Toddlers!

While my speech has become littered with momisms, little gems like “because I said so” or “stop crying or I will give you something to cry about,” here are 20 things I never thought I would say after turning 21 (because, yes, some of the conversations I have with my two-year-old are the same conversations I had with friends after one too many Jaeger bombs):

• Don’t put Cheerios in your eye.
• Are you sticking pancakes up your nose?
• Wait, what IS in your nose?
• Did you just stick my finger in your jelly?
• Why is there chicken in my boots?
• Don’t lick the bathtub.
• Please put Mommy’s shirt down.
• No honey. You have to wear a shirt to school.
• That’s right; dada did “make poo poo.” (This gem was said when my lovely husband farted or, as he refers to it, made morning thunder.)
• Aw honey, that’s sweet but kitty doesn’t use baby wipes to clean her butt.
• Please don’t feed Giraffey yogurt. He’s lactose intolerant, okay?
• Nope. Just Mommy here. The other half of “Mommydaddy” went to work.
• For the hundredth time: You cannot have cookies for dinner. I don’t care if Nana let’s you because I’m not Nana. I’m boring and lame.
• Don’t eat the sunscreen!
• Don’t drink the bathwater.
• Boogers are not “mmhmmmm.”
• Aw, it’s okay. Mama will clean the caca off the floor.
• Are you pooping? You look like you’re pooping. (Lifts child and places her still diapered cheeks mere centimeters from my nose.) Yup, you’re pooping.
• Mommy’s pooping; go watch Elmo, okay?
• Seriously, don’t you want to watch Elmo? Must you watch me poop! Wait, are you pooping while watching me poop?