By Ariana Tang from Memoirs of a Motherless Mom
Many people view suicide as a selfish act, but I feel very differently about it.
Of course, I agreed with the sentiment when I was younger. I mean, I thought it was so selfish of my mother to leave me. How could she?! But I know now that the mindset I had then — of feeling literally cheated by (and out of) my own mother — did nothing for me.
It left me with this emptiness and anger: anger that I suppressed for many, many years.
But thanks to some research I’ve done, I’ve not only overcome those thoughts, I also know that my mother’s death wasn’t selfish.
I no longer see the act of suicide as selfish.
People that are suicidal feel absolutely useless. They have this misguided belief that the world will be a better place without them. (They really, genuinely believe this.) And they feel trapped: mentally, physically and in every other way possible.
But there is more. I feel as though most suicides are driven by a flash flood of strong emotions; it’s this feeling of wanting to escape from one self because your mind is over flowing with irrational thoughts and emotions. I feel like self blame and condemnation are a common denominator in most suicides, and I feel many who attempt or die by suicide believe they are not good enough.
They believe they are an inconvenience to their friends and family.
Have I ever felt suicidal? Oh , 100% absolutely! In fact, I remember being so overwhelmed with anger as a preteen that I would write notes and slip them under my door, letting my dad know I wanted to kill myself the same way my mother did. I felt that way deep inside but never had the balls to actually do it.
I have felt this way when I’ve been at my lowest, and I’m sure some of you have too.
Suicide to me is just like any other illness, similar to cancer and diabetes, but when your mind is sick, there are no physical concrete signs so we never address it. We keep on sweeping it under the rug, at least until an attempt. Until that person is gone, and suddenly we are all searching for “signs.”
So don’t wait until after. Don’t wait until it’s too late. Know the symptoms. Know the signs. Know when someone is crying out for help even with the biggest smile painted across their faces. (Suicidal people are very good at putting up a front and wearing these masks.) And be someone that genuinely cares for and about the well-being of others: you never know whose life it may change.
ABOUT THE AUTHOR
Ariana is a fresh new mom blogger on the scene. She writes from her heart and opens up about her journey with grief. Losing your mother to suicide at 18 months is not easy .With no example of what a mother/daughter relationship looks like, how do you know what to do? Be sure to follow her journey on Facebook and Memoirs of a Motherless Mom.